Excerpt from: Gossip By K.W. Poole Scene 17 Lights up on Old Folks Mr. Finks: It's back in the paper. Mrs. Applebottom: Is that so Miss Wheatberry: I heard - let me see! Mrs. Applebottom: Is that so Mr. Finks: There's a rap about it. Mrs. Applebottom: Is that so Mr. Finks: What the hell is a rap anyway? Miss Wheatberry: It's a like a song. Mr. Finks: A song my patootie. Miss Wheatberry: A rhythmic musical poem. As Mr. Finks speaks his swears are bleeped out by a sound effect. Mr. Finks: More like a song with no music, and every other word has to be bleeped out they're (BLEEP) swearing all the (BLEEP) -ing time! Kids these days, I don't know what the (BLEEP) they're thinking about. Where the (BLEEP) do they get it. Miss Wheatberry: Control yourself Edgar - it says this rap has no swears. Mr. Finks: Where'd you hear that?
Miss Wheatberry: Well, I didn't hear it, I read it. Mrs. Applebottom: Is that so Mr. Finks: Bloody papers don't get anything right - better check with a reliable source! Salt? What'd you hear? Salt: I dunno, but I heared it's about them lesbians. Mr. Finks: Lesbians. Miss Wheatberry: I heard little Angelica say - (whispers) "lesbian" - the other day. Miss Applebottom: Is that so Mr. Finks: It's the school's fault if ya' ask me - they don't know how to teach kids these days - Miss Wheatberry: She heard it on the playground. Mr. Finks: And the teachers all out on the town -cavortin' and cavankin' - Mrs. Applebottom: Cavankin'? Mr. Finks: And the teenagers - Miss Wheatberry: She heard it from Stacy, you know, Hattie's girl. Mr. Finks: Lettin' 'em say and do whatever the (BLEEP) they want. Mrs. Applebottom: Is that so Mr. Finks: Posting their privates on that "Facetard" thing. Miss Wheatberry: You mean FaceBook? Oh I love FaceBook! Mrs. Applebottom: Is that so Mr. Finks: The things they do! Mr. Finks & Miss Wheatberry: Where do they get it? Salt: Like they say - "Apple don't fall far from the tree." All: Amen. Lights down on old folks Scene 18 Lights up on Francis and Truly in salon. Francis is giving Truly a manicure.
Francis: It's on YouTube. Truly: No? Francis: He didn't tell you? Truly: Does he ever tell me anything? Francis: You have to see this - Francis shows Truly his iPhone- Sound Q Rap Truly: My boy! Francis: OMG. Right? It's MAG-NI-FI-CTHENT! Truly: From your lips. Francis: From his. Truly: Yes. Francis: I love the part about My Two KimZ. Truly: It's crazy clever. Francis: That boy is a source to be reckoned with! Truly: Y'know? I wonder if that's why his principal called? They look at each other. Scene 19 Ray & Rooster in the restaurant. Ray: Y'all see the game last night? Rooster: Football? Ray: Nope. Rooster: Basketball? Ray: Nope. As Rooster continues Ray shakes head and interjects "Nope" occasionally. Rooster: Figure Skating, Soccer, Tennis, Baseball, Rugby, Cycling, Competitive Eating, Volleyball, Water Polo, Dodge ball, Ping Pong, Croquet, Badminton, Curling, Chess? Ray: Nope. There is a pause while Rooster mulls it over. Rooster: Hockey? Ray: Yep. Rooster: Nope. I was watching Sleep & the Suburbs. Ray: Sweet. Rooster: That it was. Ray: On Lifeless? Rooster: Yep - Rooster realizes his error, admitting he was watching a woman's network. Ray: Television for house wives? Rooster: AWWWWwwwww- Ray: Pay up. Rooster hands him a twenty. Ray: That E.D. sure knows how to light a fire under the floorboards. Rooster: Hot Kims and all! Ray: You going? Rooster: Do crows fly? Ray: Wouldn't miss it. Rooster: It's a big 'un. Ray: Put us on the map. Rooster: Like a dirt road with a new name. Ray: Travel channel's next vacation spot. Rooster: That's it! Local sponsor. Ray: What? Rooster: The E.D. show. This may be more light bulbs than I've ever screwed-in! Ray: What are you getting at? Rooster: We're on the map - It's our big chance! Ray: For what?
Rooster: Man V. Food. E.D. may be my ticket. Ray: I don't follow. Rooster: I'll bring her a gift she can't refuse. What kinda culinary concoction can I present? Ray: How 'bout ahhh - Kim Kabobs. Rooster: Genius. Light shift Scene 20 Lights up on Helga & Hattie Helga: Did you hear? Hattie: It's disgusting! Helga: Disgraceful! Hattie: Distasteful! Helga: Downright dirty! Hattie: Devilish! Helga: And Thank the Lord. Hattie: Oh I know sweetheart - you must be so relieved. Helga (she looks wistfully out): If only - Hattie: I knew one once y'know. Helga: No?! Really? Hattie: Yep. In college. Helga: No?! How'd you know? Hattie: She joined the army. Helga: That's what they do you know. They wear the pants. Hattie: Oh I know. Helga: That or they become comedians. Hattie: And they're good at it!
Helga: Perfectly acceptable. Hattie: In those situations. Helga: Oh, I've got nothing against it. "To each his - Hattie: (or her) - Helga: - own." Hattie: But to present yourself as an upstanding member of the community. Helga: I knew she was too good to be true. Hattie: When she arrived - I said - "Mark my words," I said... Helga: You did - you said: "Mark my words..." Hattie: And now it will be exposed on television. Helga: But nobody listens. Hattie: What the Lord sees is all that matters. Helga: Can't hide from Jesus! He'll follow you all the way to Macon County. Hattie: Ain't it sooth. Helga: And awwwwllllll the way back. Hattie: To the end of days! Scene 21 Kim Karmel: From kitchen table to playground, from salon to rib joint, from porches to cell phones the town was buzzing with "Words of "WiZdom" that spread like a sugar-coated H1N1 over our town. Each had their own prediction of what was to come. But, the point had been lost. E.D.'s show promoted acceptance, and giving. Like Santa. The human condition has programmed us - to think we know best and to judge others for what they do differently. I knew more than I was letting on. and had the town right in the palm of my hand. Rooster: Dear Gossip Guru, So the question is - who are the two Kims? My buddy and I have a bet. The two Kims must be a play on Hollywood vs. local. Me I'm betting Kim Virall from that show about the suburbs. Locally, I'm betting on that new teacher in town. I hear, that YouTube rap is about her. Think E.D. wants local business sponsors? How do we get a plug?
What's your bet? Gimme the WORD. ~Betting Big Kim Karmel: Dear Betting Big, I'd play my hand if I were you. But you'll have to wait 'til show day to cash in or pay up. However - I'll give you a few hints: Word of the day is: As far as Hollywood's concerned, It was recently posted that Kim Karkrashian broke off her engagement to Kris Hurumpheries, and was seen holding hands at a star studded gala with none other than your crush Kim Virall from Sleep & the Suburbs. As you may recall she was also seen kissing E.D. at a similar event last year...This could easily be a topic. E.D.'s a bit obsessed with the Karkrashians. One more tidbit for my readers - Sources reveal E.D. has a relative named Kim, but that's all I can share about that. That's the WORD for now. ~G.G. Kim Karmel: And so it continued to permeate our every waking moment.